I actually composed this blog post in my head while I was laying in bed at 4:30 this morning trying to ignore Emma's cries. And trying not to cry myself. Regardless of whether you decide to read it, I need this therapeutic outlet.
I always thought that the first 3 months of having a baby would be the hardest and that it would only get easier from there. I was wrong. This 4th month has definitely been the hardest. I am doubting, on a daily basis, my abilities as a mother. And it really stinks.
I know that I am overly hard on myself. Hubby tells me that daily. Here's an excerpt from an email he sent me this morning when he got to work:
"...you have to trust me when I say that regardless of the doubts that are creeping into your mind, you were definitely made to be a mother…I just wish you could take a step back and not be so hard on yourself… you’re a fabulous mother and I thank God every day that you’re my wife and the mother of my child. Think of where we’ve been in our journey together. We’ve encountered and overcome the couple of most difficult problems that a married couple can have and have come out the other end in this glorious situation, it all leading to Emma joining our lives. I think God carrying us through those problems and delivering us to where are today is proof enough of what He sees in you as a mother..."
Needless to say, that sent me into a flurry of tears first thing this morning. I am used to being able to control every situation in which I'm in - and I really need that control - and with a four month old, you definitely have little control. I can't control when she sleeps. I can't control when she cries. I can try to get her to sleep and I can try to soothe her, but it doesn't always work as I hoped.
I want to experience that joy of motherhood that I probably overly idealized during our infertility struggle. And I think that is what makes me the most upset with myself. We tried for so long for our precious miracle, and now that we have her here with us, I find myself wondering whether it was even a good decision. I can't believe I could ever utter those words, and I am probably making very angry anyone reading this post who is going through their own infertility struggle.
Don't get me wrong, we have moments of joy and fun but I just feel so overwhelmed with frustration and impatience and I feel bad that Emma doesn't have a more compassionate mom.
I know it will get better. I know that I am just trapped right now in a bubble that is clouding my vision of the big picture. I want to enjoy every second of my time with Emma - even the hard seconds - because I know I can't get them back. And then I just read a blog post from a mother who just lost her son and it makes me feel even more guilty.
I have my little angel here with me. And I just need to pull it together and cherish her.
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Hi Hope,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog, and wanted to let you know that many mothers feel this way, and you are not alone. If you find yourself upset/depressed, do not be afraid to reach out for help. As someone that takes medication on a daily basis for depression, trust me when I say the cloud does pass over the sun!
I can so identify with your post. You are sooo not alone. This parenting thing is hard. I have a book- "IVF and Ever After" and it explains very well why parents after IVF often feel that way more than a typical parent. We wish for it for so long, we are let down when it seems less than those perfect moments sometimes. We then feel guilty for feeling that way or for losing patience with our LOs because we know very well how many people would do anything to be in our shoes. (I want you to know that EVERY new mom gets frustrated with their baby at some point.) And, I think we are more passionate about doing whatever it takes to be the "best" parent ever because, maybe even subconciously, we feel the need to prove that we deserve this and that nagging thought of "maybe we weren't meant to be parents" from struggling with IF never truly goes away.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I won't say "it gets better" but every stage has its own challenges. So this too shall pass.
And, I hope your trip went well. I have been excitedly waiting for pictures! Give your self some huge credit for taking a 4 month old out of the country on a trip- I don't think I could have done that, even with one baby. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job as a mom. Emma is so very lucky to have you as hers.
I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated. I'm sure many new mom's can relate. But just remember that this is just a stage and that Emma will grow to be your perfect little angel. I agree with your hubby, God carried you through all the IF stuff, He will certainly carry you through this.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mother is tough. It is hard. They are not on our schedule, rather we are on theirs and sometimes they have a schedule that cannot be budged. All we can do is make the best of it.
ReplyDeleteIt does not last forever...these really are special and precious times.
*and the hardest times!!!
ReplyDeleteI find myself wanting to cry sometimes too.
Yeah, I am right there with you. I get frustrated with my little one, too. It gets better. I feel more confident in myself as a mother at 6 months than I did at four months. That does not mean I don't get frustrated with the little one. We had no naps today, and that made for a grumpy little guy!
ReplyDeleteI think you learn to adapt and roll with it.
Hope you start feeling better soon. From everything you've writte over the lastfew months, you're doing a great job. I hope you navigate the litle speed bumps quickly! What you're feeling is totally normal.
ReplyDeleteyou are right, it will get better, it is hard, but you will get through it, i promise.
ReplyDeleteI love this post, because I am having so many similar thoughts. After dealing with infertility, I just knew I would enjoy parenthood that much more. And don't get me wrong. . . I LOVE being a mama, but I had some rosy colored glasses on as well that did not allow me to even begin to realize how difficult motherhood would be. And then when I get sad and frustrated, I feel guilty because I wanted this SO much.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Like you said. . . it will get better. :)