Emotions

I'm going to try to put into words all the emotions swimming around in my head these days. I'm in a whole new place right now and it feels weird, scary, overwhelming.

Disbelief: As an infertile who had sex a gazillion times with no resulting pregnancy, and who had to do IVF to have our first little miracle, I am in disbelief that I could have sex one time and get pregnant. I've heard that it can happen, but never thought it would be part of my story.

Scared: Emma just turned 11 months and I am just FINALLY feeling like I'm bonding with her. She has not been an overly affectionate baby up until now and I always felt I was giving out without getting much in return. Of course there are the sweet smiles and funny antics, but really it was just daily routine with a laugh here and there. In the last month, Emma has become so much more fun. Playing with me. Hugging me. Acting like she knows I'm her mommy. And it's been great. I had a very easy pregnancy the first time around, but months 1-8 were pretty tough once she was here. I am scared thinking about starting all over with another baby.

Overwhelmed: It also scares me somewhat thinking about having a 18 month old and a newborn. I know that people manage all the time in similar situations, but I've felt overwhelmed with just one baby. Not sure how I'll handle two.

Trying to plan the future: My husband and I were happy with one baby but thought we'd definitely try for a second since we have one embryo frozen. I never thought I'd have three children and obviously that is not a done deal, but it does have my mind thinking about our little frozen embryo. Of course we could give a FET a try and it wouldn't work out so I probably shouldn't worry about it at this point. But just another thought on my mind.

Guilty: I feel a sense of shame and guilt for not being 100% excited. Guilty for not being as excited as I was when I found out I was pregnant with Emma. Guilty for the fact that I know I have a lot of blog friends who read my posts and would give anything for a natural pregnancy. Guilty for not immediately loving this baby as much as I loved Emma. I even feel guilty about having another little one and that taking away from being able to share time with just Emma while she is still so young.

Ok, so there are all the negative emotions I'm feeling right now. What a downer post. I apologize if you actually got through the whole thing and now think I'm a total jerk or unappreciative person. I know that God has a plan for us, and this baby is part of it. It can just be overwhelming when God's plan is quite different than your own plan. But infertility was never part of my plan and it was part of God's. Guess he works in mysterious ways.

I promise my next post will be a little more positive.

The News...

October 14th. Apparently that's my due date. It feels so strange just typing that. But, yes, I found out yesterday that I am indeed pregnant. Wow. Still taking it all in. I'm sure I'll post in a few days a little bit more about it.

On the house front, we closed on the house yesterday. Hubby couldn't come in for the closing so I had to sign for him, which made it kind of anti-climatic because, when I was done signing, it was just me with a set of keys. I got a little cleaning done yesterday and will make my first of I'm sure many trips to Lowe's tomorrow. We plan to officially move around March 21st.

Crazy, hectic, stressful, exciting week, that's for sure.

A Really Big Week

Most weeks of my life are pretty much the same. Work. Taking care of Emma. Figuring out meals. Running errands. Church. Cleaning. Laundry. You get the idea.

But then some weeks are really big. Those weeks hold something to which you are really looking forward. Well, I have two huge things this week.

On Thursday, I go to the doctors to find out whether I am pregnant. Wow!

On Friday, I will sign the papers to officially close on our new house. Wow!

No wonder I'm not sleeping well this week. Too much on my mind. This is a really big week.

Why I'm Wordless

I know it might seem weird that I just posted the picture with my last post and didn't put any commentary. Here's why I did that:

• I'll be perfectly honest. My emotions are all over the map about this. Excited. Scared. Overwhelmed. Beyond surprised. I need to time to sort through all of this if indeed we've been blessed with a little miracle.
  
• That test was taken 3 days after my missed period. Way, way, way early. I don't go to the doctor until next Thursday. So different than with IVF where I got to see increasing betas every two days. I'm still not convinced it could be possible.
  
• I've heard of other people getting pregnant naturally after IVF and infertility (Yay for AP, Waiting for our Child, and Hope) but I was absolutely, positively convinced that wouldn't happen to me. In fact, I was laughing with another IVF friend just about a week ago when she told me that I better be careful since we weren't using protection. "Ha! Ha! Yeah right! I'm infertile remember?" It's like winning the lottery. You know someone will win it but it won't be you.
  
• And perhaps in the TMI category, when we were trying before IVF, we literally had sex every day during my ovulation period. This past month, we had sex once.

So there you go, friends. I guess I'll be hanging tight over here until next Thursday and will let you know how this all turns out.

The Biggest Surprise Of My Life