I'm going to try to put into words all the emotions swimming around in my head these days. I'm in a whole new place right now and it feels weird, scary, overwhelming.
Disbelief: As an infertile who had sex a gazillion times with no resulting pregnancy, and who had to do IVF to have our first little miracle, I am in disbelief that I could have sex one time and get pregnant. I've heard that it can happen, but never thought it would be part of my story.
Scared: Emma just turned 11 months and I am just FINALLY feeling like I'm bonding with her. She has not been an overly affectionate baby up until now and I always felt I was giving out without getting much in return. Of course there are the sweet smiles and funny antics, but really it was just daily routine with a laugh here and there. In the last month, Emma has become so much more fun. Playing with me. Hugging me. Acting like she knows I'm her mommy. And it's been great. I had a very easy pregnancy the first time around, but months 1-8 were pretty tough once she was here. I am scared thinking about starting all over with another baby.
Overwhelmed: It also scares me somewhat thinking about having a 18 month old and a newborn. I know that people manage all the time in similar situations, but I've felt overwhelmed with just one baby. Not sure how I'll handle two.
Trying to plan the future: My husband and I were happy with one baby but thought we'd definitely try for a second since we have one embryo frozen. I never thought I'd have three children and obviously that is not a done deal, but it does have my mind thinking about our little frozen embryo. Of course we could give a FET a try and it wouldn't work out so I probably shouldn't worry about it at this point. But just another thought on my mind.
Guilty: I feel a sense of shame and guilt for not being 100% excited. Guilty for not being as excited as I was when I found out I was pregnant with Emma. Guilty for the fact that I know I have a lot of blog friends who read my posts and would give anything for a natural pregnancy. Guilty for not immediately loving this baby as much as I loved Emma. I even feel guilty about having another little one and that taking away from being able to share time with just Emma while she is still so young.
Ok, so there are all the negative emotions I'm feeling right now. What a downer post. I apologize if you actually got through the whole thing and now think I'm a total jerk or unappreciative person. I know that God has a plan for us, and this baby is part of it. It can just be overwhelming when God's plan is quite different than your own plan. But infertility was never part of my plan and it was part of God's. Guess he works in mysterious ways.
I promise my next post will be a little more positive.
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Don't feel bad about your post. You have every right to be feeling all of those things. You're only human! I have no doubt that I would feel the same way if I were to find out that I was pregnant right now. It would be so overwhelming and scary!! Hang in there. I know God has great plans for you and your family. I'll be praying for peace for you and that you're able to settle in to this news and enjoy the pregnancy. You're going to be a supermom! (Not that you aren't already a supermom to Emma, of course!) :-)
ReplyDeleteNot a downer post at all. A very honest post that I really can relate to on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteHaving children 18 months apart will be hard. Gosh - I look at mine sometimes at 7 months apart, and although hard, holy crap they love each other! And I'm sure yours will too. :)
And not being overly excited is very natural. Gosh - I kept my baby at a distance my entire pregnancy out of fear. And although I felt guilty about it, I knew I did it to protect myself.
Thinking about you girly! I just don't want you to beat yourself up about your emotions. They are authentic to exactly how you're feeling. Thinking of you! :)
I am feeling very similar emotions! And I think all of it is perfectly normal. It's funny how although there are some obvious positives to the situation, your mind still focuses in on the worries.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the scared and overwhelmed feelings, perhaps since you are moving closer to your family they will be able to help out more this time around.
In terms of the future, we also have frozen embryos that we are trying to decide if we will need, and my husband made a good point - let's just make sure this pregnancy ends up well before we try to make a decision.
Just know that I am right there with you and I'll try to catch up on some posts about my similar feelings if that helps any!
Hey, you're allowed to have negative thoughts. Pregnancy is scary, no matter what the timing is. That's probably why you have so many months to wrap your head around the idea before baby #2 arrives!
ReplyDeleteHope things start feeling more positive soon.
you know what, i think all of those feelings are 100% valid. as far as bonding with emma, i know some women claim that they looked into their newborn infant's eyes and instantly fell in love, and maybe they did (i think they're lying, but maybe they did :), but the first year is hard! babies are demanding and not very interactive at first, i think you can look forward to some real bonding over the next few months. the idea of adding a second is definitely daunting when you've just had your first, but maybe it's a little easier the second time around. you know what to expect and even have some secrets and tricks tucked away in your mental roladex. i deifinitely think it will be an adjustment, don't get me wrong, but it's life, ya know? we just do it and it works out. i think you can do it hope and i think you're going to be really good at it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're a total jerk or unappreciative - an unexpected pregnancy (even after going through the rigmarole of infertility)isn't necessarily easy to wrap your brain or emotions around.
ReplyDeleteEven as I contemplate adding another baby to our family, I worry about many of the same things and we've not even gotten to the point of agreement to "try without trying."
What I'm trying to say is that I think you're okay. Actually better than okay since you are aware and acknowledging those feelings instead of pushing them underground and pretending like you're all roses and sunshine.
It is all very emotional...and you have every right to feel every single one of them. I just keep telling myself that it will all work out one way or another...and it always does. Prayer always makes me feel better too. I'll say one for you and your family. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteTotally understandable. We went ahead with another whole IVF cycle and I stopped breastfeeding early and all of that...and I feel guilt for all of that. However, ultimately, a sibling is a wonderful gift for a child. It will teach her how to share and when they are older, it will give her someone to bond with and complain about you and your husband to:-) It really is a gift. The rest of it too...totally normal. However, I still have to say HOW COOL! I mean, really. COOL. But, mixed emotions are natural...what I started to say was that we went out of our way to do this and I pray that it worked but I am still freaking out on the inside about having my daughter learn how to share and not knowing that it is possible to love another baby as much as my little girl. So...ranting here, but I totally get it:-)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were so honest in this post. Certainly we can all understand how you need time to process this news! I hope that as more time passes you'll soon feel that same excitement as before. It will undoubtedly be a challenge having two so close together, but you've got time before then to spend with Emma and begin preparing for that adjustment. Praying for ya!
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