I'm going to try to put into words all the emotions swimming around in my head these days. I'm in a whole new place right now and it feels weird, scary, overwhelming.
Disbelief: As an infertile who had sex a gazillion times with no resulting pregnancy, and who had to do IVF to have our first little miracle, I am in disbelief that I could have sex one time and get pregnant. I've heard that it can happen, but never thought it would be part of my story.
Scared: Emma just turned 11 months and I am just FINALLY feeling like I'm bonding with her. She has not been an overly affectionate baby up until now and I always felt I was giving out without getting much in return. Of course there are the sweet smiles and funny antics, but really it was just daily routine with a laugh here and there. In the last month, Emma has become so much more fun. Playing with me. Hugging me. Acting like she knows I'm her mommy. And it's been great. I had a very easy pregnancy the first time around, but months 1-8 were pretty tough once she was here. I am scared thinking about starting all over with another baby.
Overwhelmed: It also scares me somewhat thinking about having a 18 month old and a newborn. I know that people manage all the time in similar situations, but I've felt overwhelmed with just one baby. Not sure how I'll handle two.
Trying to plan the future: My husband and I were happy with one baby but thought we'd definitely try for a second since we have one embryo frozen. I never thought I'd have three children and obviously that is not a done deal, but it does have my mind thinking about our little frozen embryo. Of course we could give a FET a try and it wouldn't work out so I probably shouldn't worry about it at this point. But just another thought on my mind.
Guilty: I feel a sense of shame and guilt for not being 100% excited. Guilty for not being as excited as I was when I found out I was pregnant with Emma. Guilty for the fact that I know I have a lot of blog friends who read my posts and would give anything for a natural pregnancy. Guilty for not immediately loving this baby as much as I loved Emma. I even feel guilty about having another little one and that taking away from being able to share time with just Emma while she is still so young.
Ok, so there are all the negative emotions I'm feeling right now. What a downer post. I apologize if you actually got through the whole thing and now think I'm a total jerk or unappreciative person. I know that God has a plan for us, and this baby is part of it. It can just be overwhelming when God's plan is quite different than your own plan. But infertility was never part of my plan and it was part of God's. Guess he works in mysterious ways.
I promise my next post will be a little more positive.